Hello World! Again!

Hello world out there and welcome to my inner world!

I have been trying to think of something special, fantastic, dazzling to say in order to launch this blog. More than a month has passed and still nothing so I decided just to plunge in. For starters I leave you with this little stream of consciousness exercise:

That talk about procrastination and procrastinators was funny but not really healthy or productive. It left me with a simplistic statement of the problem and not even a reasonable hypothesis of how to go about solving it. Just making you live in a constant panic mode as if you were always running out of time. On the other hand something scratched my brain: decide to do things now.—I am flowing with constrains and my mind is not entirely here but that is not the most important. Keep moving. I can almost stop and check my e-mails again, and FB again, and LinkedIn again because the previous three checks of this morning has not yielded the easy satisfaction that I need them to yield. I am clicking, I am salivating at the stimulus like a good lab dog but the food is not coming, the reward after the click is not coming and that is a crazy, anxiety riddled space. Emotional space or whatever because the right term and the right words do not want to lend themselves to me in this half-sleep state. We arrived late last night and did not sleep well. I guess I am paying the price now.—So I decided, or half decided, or contemplated the actions to take to launch my blog now. What do I need to do to launch my blog? Knowing that it is not such a life or dead thing, but that I want to do some sort of decent job at it. It does not have to be perfect, wonderful, correct. One problem is that I don’t know what is the real, deep meaning and purpose of this blog. Pared it down to the simplest, the most spontaneous and direct purpose of any communication or expression of the self in this world: to be seen. But then it gets more complicated than that: to express myself freely in the world. To take me out of this room that I cannot leave physically as much as I would like. To blunt the loneliness of this house. To give me a deadline and a responsibility, to force me to pursue those of my dreams that are pursuable under the present circumstances of my life. And so here I go. This is the first thing in this blog, my apologies if it doesn’t make much sense, but it kind of does, doesn’t it? I have entertained you for the space of a few minutes and I have provided your click reward. What now? Priorities.

So what is the point? I lost the point again. In my efforts to be understood by others now I am not even able understand myself. What was the point?

There was this other TED talk that talked about managing time. And the secret was: prioritize that which is most important for you at the time. Some of us have that luxury, some of us don’t have that luxury. Fortunately, that is not a fixed reality in time. Our days change, mostly subtle changes but what cannot be prioritized today might have some little time tomorrow and so on and so forth, and other people had said it in many ways much better than me. My attempts at summing it up now are rather weak. So what is the point? I lost the point again. In my efforts to be understood by others now I am not even able understand myself. What was the point? It was one of those things that feel, for a second or less than that, like divine revelation, like life suddenly makes true sense.—When I share my innermost thoughts with other people I feel naked, exposed to the harshest judgement. Today I will post this in a passion of initiative and feel authentic. Tomorrow when I reread it I will wonder why, why do have this need to say this things to strangers! As if strangers care! As if friends and loved ones cared! If they did, I will not feel the need to blog about this online, would I?—That is the sad, sad pathetic internal critic crying. Do we always need to have reasons for what we need to do? Mostly we need meaning in life and that pursuit of meaning is the thing that takes over when all other important survival things are done.—Anyway, prioritize.

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